What is a friend?

How do you label people? Who is a friend, and acquaintance, a stranger, a best friend...? What if they are someone you love but you are far away and never even get a chance to talk? Is that person still a best friend? What about the person you have known your entire life and whose path has crossed yours many times over the years, yet you are so different and so alike at the same time. What if it is someone you were close to but no longer speak. Do you still consider them a friend? If something terrible happens to someone you haven't spoken to in a year, are you still entitled to mourn for them?

I have been having a hard time dealing with this lately. A friend of mine, one of those that I grew up with but we had a falling out and haven't talked to in almost a year, lost her baby last week. her sweet little 3 week old baby. There are a lot of what ifs and hows and whys being asked right now about this sweet little angel babies life, but all I can do is mourn. I am so sad for the mom and family of this baby, but even more so I am so sad and angry for this baby and the fact that her life was cut so short. I am angry and hurt that this child was not protected. I am angry that I cannot just help this mom mourn because I feel there might be more to the story. And I am so angry/sad/overwhelmed that this has happened. Every time I look at my own little children I realize how precious life is. It could end at any moment. It is scary.

There is a part of me that wants to shelter my children now. I have never been the biggest on overly childproofing or being overly protective of my children (my youngest has been climbing ladders and going down the largest slides since 12 months old.) But suddenly i do not want them out of my sight. I do not want anything bad to happen to them. I have realize though, this is not a life I want to live. One of fear. instead I am making the conscious decision to be more involved in the moment. Play more with my kids. No more, oh just hold on a moment, facebook is more important. No more dealing with others drama and taking away from my own family. Time is precious. I have decided that I am going to spend my time, each and every moment, consumed with my life, my family and my children. That is the best way I can protect them and myself. If anything happens I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I am happy with the time spent and to not have regrets. 

I sure hope this helps me mourn this angel baby, because there has been a dark, sad spot in my heart for someone who I cannot express this to. For a mom who actually hates me and there is no way I can give my condolences. 

A year of Goals

Moving to Mass is giving us the opportunity for change. I am so excited for this and have decided to set some personal goals for the journey. These goals all have one thing in common- slowing down and being self aware. There are also family goals and I know Daniel has his own- but this is a post about Juliana's personal goals.

1. Relax. Really. Calm down, stop over committing myself. Enjoy the moment.

2. Limit texting. NO texting while driving and no texting when i am out and about with my kids.

3. Facebook. Limit to 15-30 min a day.

4. Exercise. 1 hour every day. If it is just an hour of walking that is okay but I need to get my body moving every day.

5. Grow a garden. Vegetables and flowers.

6. Learn to compost. (and learn details of recycling).

7. Spend more time at home.

8. Work on teaching Natalie to read.

9. Potty train Alena.

10. Learn to meditate.

So those are my goals, lets see how the journey goes.

19 days. Why I cannot wait for MA.

I feel a major desire to move to Massachusetts. There is so much going on here in California, family drama, friends, a million things that I feel pressured to go do and to go see. I feel I have been busy for the past 3 years. I am ready to just slow down. I am ready to not worry about family drama, I am hoping that being 3,000 miles away will help with that. It will help me know who wants to be a part of our lives because they will come see us. I am sick of being caught up with drama from the town and people of Napa most of whom I have not even seen in 16 years. When will I be left alone??

It is not that I am running away, because I know that I will be the same person no matter where I live. I cannot hide from myself. But I am looking forward to the new atmosphere. I am looking forward to the slower paced life. I am looking forward to the fact that there wont be a zoo, fairytale town, childrens museum, art beast etc to keep us overly busy. For the past 3 years there has been so much rush, so much hurry, in my life I am excited to just be.

The kids will love it! An average day right now consists of Daniel waking up super early and either leaving for work right away or else he works from home until 7:30 and then he heads to work. I get the kids ready and we head to some sort of playgroup adventure type thing. We have great times and learn new things but then we rush home for naps, nap, errands, cook dinner, bath, dishes, bed. That is exhausting. When do we fit in exercise? Learning? Just talking and exploring? Never. I do not want to spend hours daily in the car. I want to wake up, have a cup of coffee with Daniel, play with the kids and the animals. I want to go check and see if the chickens laid any eggs, I want to go explore the woods and go for a walk to the village. I want to grow vegetables and flowers and work on my garden while the kids play outside. I want time for crafting. I want to enjoy cooking dinner because I can see my kids from the kitchen. I want my husband to wake up with us, see and talk to him before work, to go meet up with him for a mid day adventure, have him home at 5 so we have time to play before dinner and bedtime. I feel so bad for daniel that he works non stop yet it is me and the girls that get to do all of the playing. We are family and he is the love of my life. I would love to be able to spend more time with him- and we will, in Massachusetts. I cannot wait.

19 more days and I am so excited!

3 weeks left in California

Our family is about to take the journey of a lifetime. In 3 weeks we will leave everything we know here in California and travel 3,000 miles away to start a new life adventure in Shelburne Falls/Buckland MA. We will be relocating for a bunch of reasons but to sum it up: I need a change. I have never lived in one place (since I was 10) for more than 3 years. Living in Sacramento CA, was my longest stint- nearly 5 years. In that time I met the man of my dreams, started and finished our family with the birth of 2 beautiful daughters, and learned who I am and what I want out of my life. The life that I want (actually I should say we since this is a collaborate effort of both Daniel and myself) does not include living in CA. We want to be free to live at a slower pace, spend our days exploring outside, have my husband not work 8-5 with a 40 min commute.

This new change is going to be amazing. I see it as a year adventure, because as of now we only have a 1 year lease on a house so we will see how it goes and see where we end up. I plan on working on my self awareness and my physical health. I am so excited for this period of change and I cannot wait to see how much my girls will grow and change along the way as well!!!!!

I leave in 19 days to start the drive across the country with our dog and our cat and my good friend Anna. Daniel will meet us in MA with the girls, but they are going to fly because that will be the easiest route for the 2 toddlers!

I will write more later of my intentions of the move but right now I need to get these girls in the bath!